I have been struggling with insomnia for the past few nights. Falling asleep is not the problem. In fact, I would dare say that I am asleep before my head hits the pillow. The problem arises in the middle of the night. When everyone else is snoring. Including the dog. Not kidding.
The first scenario begins with a dream that I am floating in or on water. Translated by Sigmund Freud - I need to use the bathroom, and it's the only way to rouse me from my sleep-induced coma. This usually occurs around 2:00 a.m. I get up, use the bathroom, get a drink of water (maybe this is where I am making my mistake!) and go back to bed. My mind begins to race 100 miles per hour. I'm afraid I will oversleep in the morning, that I have forgotten to mail a bill in on time, or that I have never completed my To-Do List from 2006. My attention then turns to The Surveyor. Anger builds inside of me as I listen to the sound of his blissful snoring, um, sleep. I then proceed to watch the clock. 2:10, 2:11, 2:25, 2:47, 3:18...... I am usually asleep before 3:30 rolls around. But not always.
The second scenario goes something like this. There is a loud THUMP that results in me sitting bolt upright in bed. Heart pounding. Reaching for the .357. I look down, and the cat is sitting beside the bed. She has thrown caution to the wind and has launched her body against the closet doors. She is now beginning to call me - "MaMa", "MeowMeow", etc. Because of my extensive training, I understand that she is requesting to be let outside. I get up and go to the door. She, on the other hand, has decided that it's a good time for her to get a late night snack. I get back into bed because I know she will need at least ten minutes to finish her "snack". Ten minutes later, she is calling me from the kitchen. Once again, I get up and go to the door. This time, she pauses and does a visual perimeter sweep. Once she has determined that the enemy is asleep (unlike me!), she runs out of the door. I take advantage of the fact that I am already up, and go ahead and use the bathroom. The water dream is not my favorite. I get back into bed AGAIN and repeat the same count-down-to-sleep process outlined in the first scenario.
After much contemplation, I have come up with a solution to this problem. I just need to shoot the cat and insert a catheter!!!!
(I am just kidding about the cat. PLEASE don't send me hate mail.)