Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Just Shoot Me

As a general rule, it is fiscally irresponsible to replace every stitch of clothing in one's closet because one has GOTTEN TOO BIG to wear said clothing. There comes a time when one has to finally admit that the dryer is not to blame. One also has to admit that carbs, and cheese on carbs, are NOT going to burn themselves off while one sits in front of the computer blogging. Much to one's, um, MY chagrin, that time has arrived at Casa de Envy.

Several weeks ago, I returned to the gym determined to shed this excess junk in the trunk.... and stomach, and thighs, etc. You get the picture. Ugly as it may be. Anyway, I eased myself back into the whole exercise thing because, quite frankly, I don't like to be in pain. Ever.

I had been hitting the treadmill and the exercise bike two or three times per week, and I was feeling pretty good about myself. I could get on these pieces of equipment and roll through my 30 minutes while catching up on the evening news. You know I'm a multi-tasker! Life was good back then.

I realized that I needed to kick things up a notch when I bravely boarded the scales and realized that I had only shed ONE FREAKIN' POUND!! What is THAT about? Time to get serious BHE! Nothing like starting off a new week with a new resolve. I WILL shed at least two pounds this week even if it KILLS me. Yesterday, it almost did.

The class was called "Guts, Butts & More!" Yes, it had a little exclamation point after the title. That got me excited! I need to get rid of my gut, my butt and MORE! It must be the perfect class for me!! The room was quiet when I entered, and there were only a couple of other people in attendance. Fantastic! Not many witnesses if I fall out in the floor! The laughter wouldn't be quite as deafening.

We were instructed to gather a stair stepper with three risers, a 10 pound weight bar, two 10 pound dumbbells and a mat. I got my things together and awaited the zero hour - 4:30 p.m. At 4:28 1/2, at least seven additional people stormed the exercise room. They were intense, they moved with conviction, THEY had been here before! My stomach started to knot.

The class began with a five-minute jog around the room. Keep in mind that I haven't jogged since high school gym class - which was at least 75 years ago. The first thirty seconds were a breeze. It all went down hill from there. I had to MOVE TO THE RIGHT SO PEOPLE COULD PASS ME! Come to think of it, the same thing happened in high school. It wasn't any less embarrassing this time around.

The next fifty minutes are a blur. A torturous combination of squat, lunge, squat with weights, step up, squat, don't drop your weights, step down, stand on one foot, squat, repeat 400 times, lunge across the entire room and back, remember to breathe, balance on this ball to work your abs, what abs, why is the room spinning, only 45 minutes to go, don't fall out and embarrass yourself in front of all of these people. They. Will. Laugh.

The last five minutes of class involved stretching. I am an excellent stretcher. I LOVE stretching. Without weights. Or running. WHEW!

When I woke up this morning, I realized that there was no amount of stretching that could have prevented the tightness I felt in just about every muscle in my entire body. I now understand what it feels like to be a piano wire. I rolled myself out of bed before I realized that my legs were about to stage a mutiny and toss me in the floor. Thank goodness the nightstand was there to offer support.

I have spent the remainder of my day, thus far, hobbling from point A to point B. I am begging my co-workers not to ask me to do anything that involves walking, or getting out of my chair. The problem is, the longer I sit here, the stiffer my legs become. My quads are officially on strike. I may have to spend the night.

As soon as my legs will allow, I plan to go back for more torture. This class is NOT going to beat me! I lived through it once, and I will do it again. Wish me luck!

Would it be easier to have my mouth sewn shut?

20 comments:

Amy-littletoesandcheerios said...

Last time I was at the gym an 80 year old man was going faster than me on the treadmill!!!! He looked over and smiled.

belladella said...

I am laughing so hard...not at you...of course, but with you! I only run or jog when chased! I admire your guts and determination. I hope you can make it home tonight. I hate to think of you sleeping at your desk!

Woody said...

From the sounds of that class, you will have the body of a 17 year old in no time!! Take Aleve - lots of Aleve.

PS - I got my new template from the link at the bottom of Pleasing Procrastinaor. The link has lots of free templates - you just cut and paste into Blogger!

nikkicrumpet said...

TOO FUNNY! I'm thinking that the "mouth sewn shut" just might be less painful! I admire your courage and self control in going to an exercise class. I'm also hoping that by reading your trials and tribulations about doing said exercise, that my brain will somehow convince my body that it was actually ME who did the exercise and my body will then cooperate by shedding pounds. I know it's a long shot...but it's as close to the gym as I plan on coming...YOU GO GIRL...DO IT FOR ALL OF US! And remember...speed dial 911 into your cell phone.

Mental P Mama said...

I am terribly impressed. I think I may read this post again later while I drink my wine. I am going on the CBW diet. Wine, no food, and I'm going to try to whip up some crisis. That shouldn't be too hard for me.

LSM said...

The hardest part is getting started, right? I admire you for sticking out the class and actually planning to return.

Keeper Of All Things said...

I think cleaning the house and doing laundry is exercise enough!!!

mom x 2 said...

hahahahaah I just love your post! I think a shopping trip sounds like enough exercise for me. That way I feel good about all the "walking" I did and I have clothes that fit. I will just try not to look at the size on the tag. I admire your courage and your determination! keep up the good work and do a couple laps for me :)

HalfAsstic.com said...

OH honey! I am SO PROUD OF YOU! I wish I could go with you and God knows I need to! Keep it up and it should still hurt after you go the second time, but not as much. It gets easier and easier after that. If I am remembering my high school gym classes right...

Amy said...

I'm winded just reading it. SHEW!

Here's to the two pounds that you WILL shed.

GL!

Chesapeake Bay Woman said...

Yep, my diet works. I have lost 15 pounds by simply upping the wine intake and decreasing the food intake, all the while grappling with Major Life Crisis, but as I said at Mental Mama's place, that formula works whether there is a life crisis or not.

I could never go on a diet that excludes wine, so I just decided to start excluding the food. It worked. And at the time I wasn't exercising one iota.

Wine. The Answer. The End.

Pleasing Procrasinator said...

My daughter is convinced I cannot run, she is probably right.
I thought about joining the gym on campus but maybe I will live vicariously through you. you've just confirmed it's too much work..hehe.
Good Luck and keep us informed.

(Sometimes!) Serendipitous Girl said...

To that SSG says this ... THANK YOU for working out hard enough for BOTH of us. I will be on the couch watching Law & Order since MAN am I TIRED after reading that.

Grandma J said...

Oh boy do I feel your pain! I have begged people to lock me in their basements with nothing but a toilet and bottled water...well, and my laptop and cell phone.

I want to be locked away for a month, maybe they'll have to drug me but so be it.

You are soo much braver than me. Kudos!

Living on the Spit said...

I got exhausted just reading your post!! I am such a princess that exercising for me would be to have to get up to ask HWM to get something for me!!! I am so lame, I know. Keep it up though, I am living vicariously through you and if you do it then maybe there is hope for me!!!

Caution Flag said...

I understand about the weight gain but that's as far as my empathy will take me. Exercise? Way beyond my understanding.

Travel Girl said...

Guts, Butts and Torture is more like it. It sounds a lot worse than the Zumba stuff I did last week. I bet in a few weeks you will be pushing them aside. Keep us posted on your progress.

Jenn said...

Oh My! You really do have a great way of painting a picture with words for all of us! Very funny! But, I am truly sorry for the stiff muscles. Those are no fun.

Dirtbikes and Divas said...

I'm starting to think it would just be easier to go spend $70.00 on a SPANXX thingy to hold everything in. I'm pretty sure it's just a glorified, trendy way of marketing a "girdle" but hey desperate times call for desperate measures!!! :) But seriously, kick some a** in class!!!

mamadance said...

It's stories like this that remind me why I don't work out. Thanks for keeping me on my path of laziness and procrastination!