Just Shoot Me

As a general rule, it is fiscally irresponsible to replace every stitch of clothing in one's closet because one has GOTTEN TOO BIG to wear said clothing. There comes a time when one has to finally admit that the dryer is not to blame. One also has to admit that carbs, and cheese on carbs, are NOT going to burn themselves off while one sits in front of the computer blogging. Much to one's, um, MY chagrin, that time has arrived at Casa de Envy.

Several weeks ago, I returned to the gym determined to shed this excess junk in the trunk.... and stomach, and thighs, etc. You get the picture. Ugly as it may be. Anyway, I eased myself back into the whole exercise thing because, quite frankly, I don't like to be in pain. Ever.

I had been hitting the treadmill and the exercise bike two or three times per week, and I was feeling pretty good about myself. I could get on these pieces of equipment and roll through my 30 minutes while catching up on the evening news. You know I'm a multi-tasker! Life was good back then.

I realized that I needed to kick things up a notch when I bravely boarded the scales and realized that I had only shed ONE FREAKIN' POUND!! What is THAT about? Time to get serious BHE! Nothing like starting off a new week with a new resolve. I WILL shed at least two pounds this week even if it KILLS me. Yesterday, it almost did.

The class was called "Guts, Butts & More!" Yes, it had a little exclamation point after the title. That got me excited! I need to get rid of my gut, my butt and MORE! It must be the perfect class for me!! The room was quiet when I entered, and there were only a couple of other people in attendance. Fantastic! Not many witnesses if I fall out in the floor! The laughter wouldn't be quite as deafening.

We were instructed to gather a stair stepper with three risers, a 10 pound weight bar, two 10 pound dumbbells and a mat. I got my things together and awaited the zero hour - 4:30 p.m. At 4:28 1/2, at least seven additional people stormed the exercise room. They were intense, they moved with conviction, THEY had been here before! My stomach started to knot.

The class began with a five-minute jog around the room. Keep in mind that I haven't jogged since high school gym class - which was at least 75 years ago. The first thirty seconds were a breeze. It all went down hill from there. I had to MOVE TO THE RIGHT SO PEOPLE COULD PASS ME! Come to think of it, the same thing happened in high school. It wasn't any less embarrassing this time around.

The next fifty minutes are a blur. A torturous combination of squat, lunge, squat with weights, step up, squat, don't drop your weights, step down, stand on one foot, squat, repeat 400 times, lunge across the entire room and back, remember to breathe, balance on this ball to work your abs, what abs, why is the room spinning, only 45 minutes to go, don't fall out and embarrass yourself in front of all of these people. They. Will. Laugh.

The last five minutes of class involved stretching. I am an excellent stretcher. I LOVE stretching. Without weights. Or running. WHEW!

When I woke up this morning, I realized that there was no amount of stretching that could have prevented the tightness I felt in just about every muscle in my entire body. I now understand what it feels like to be a piano wire. I rolled myself out of bed before I realized that my legs were about to stage a mutiny and toss me in the floor. Thank goodness the nightstand was there to offer support.

I have spent the remainder of my day, thus far, hobbling from point A to point B. I am begging my co-workers not to ask me to do anything that involves walking, or getting out of my chair. The problem is, the longer I sit here, the stiffer my legs become. My quads are officially on strike. I may have to spend the night.

As soon as my legs will allow, I plan to go back for more torture. This class is NOT going to beat me! I lived through it once, and I will do it again. Wish me luck!

Would it be easier to have my mouth sewn shut?