Friday, February 6, 2009

The Bean

Sure. She looks all cute and innocent, but don't let THAT fool you.





The Bean (names have been changed to protect the guilty) is really an Evil Sleep Saboteur (ESS). She goes to bed at night like a good kitty, but around 3 a.m., she morphs into an ESS and emerges from the dark recesses of Snow White's room. The ESS stealthily enters my room, and begins to claw at the side of the mattress. Quietly at first, then with reckless abandon. If she is unable to rouse me from my slumber, she will find a plastic bag to shred, or she will simply begin to FLING HERSELF against the closet door. (We would be in BIG trouble if she had opposable thumbs) As I struggle to get to my feet, she rushes to the door to be let out - finally free to pee, hunt, or whatever it is that she does out there.


Now, in the summertime, she will remain outdoors indefinitely. She will lounge by the pool, climb the dogwood tree, and deliver decapitated vermin to the porch. In fact, she has so much fun out there, that I have to coax her inside on balmy mornings before I leave for work.


Evidently, 15 degrees does NOT constitute "balmy" in her book. Just as I begin to fall back asleep, the ESS will begin attempting to open the outside door. She will jump up and wrap her paws around the doorknob while FLINGING HERSELF against the door. Just in case we hadn't already heard the commotion. (Remember the thumb thing?)


Once again, I roll out of bed and stumble to open the door. The ESS immediately heads to her food bowl for nourishment. She needs as much energy as possible to begin Phase II of her Master Plan. Phase II is comprised of a number of random acts of violence that will ensure that I am unable to fall asleep - for at least two hours. For example: scratching the sofa, chasing her tail, doing somersaults while chasing her tail, tearing up random scraps of paper in Snow White's room (homework), and biting the ends off of CB's boot laces. This madness ensued about two weeks ago, and I am SO over it! If I am going to walk around sleep-deprived, I'd like for it to at least involve some sort of overindulgence.


The winter has obviously been too long, and too cold for The Bean. If she doesn't get some outside time soon, I may NEVER be able to rid my home of the ESS. It's supposed to be in the 60's here this weekend. Keep your fingers crossed!

18 comments:

belladella said...

Hilarious! Try that times 6!!!! And they don't get to go outside!

You guys have a great weekend!

Jenn said...

Oh wow! I think your cat is a little psychotic!

The Incredible Woody said...

Dixie has some cabin fever too. Last night, she decided that 3am would be a great time to pace. Wouldn't be so bad but we have hardwood floors and that click, click, clicking just about drove me crazy?!?

Mental P Mama said...

Get her a little down jacket. And a fur muff;)

Chesapeake Bay Woman said...

I completely understand. Completely.

I would suggest closing your bedroom door, but I already know that won't work - she'd fling herself against the door or work that knob..or if she's like mine, will scratch on that door until you start wishing you could be sleeping in an insane asylum because it would be way more relaxing.

Weekend weather is looking promising....hope you get some sleeep.

Noe Noe Girl...A Queen of all Trades. said...

OH now The Cat ate the homework! Good one =)
Sounds like you have been spying on our little precious at 3am. WTF! I am so over it too. I am hoping with the warm weather this weekend the Cookie Cat will go on a two day bug hunt!

Grandma J said...

I don't understand cats...seriously, they scare me a bit. I babysat two huge cats for several months (they were dropped off with a litter box and a bag of food). The problem was, they would perch on high places and jump on my and my dog then run!

mom x 2 said...

hahaahah! I think seeing the bean jump (slide) around on the pool cover was the greatest... I am not sure i would want that at 3AM. What is it about those damn cats!!

I posted a couple pics from last weekend ;)

HalfAsstic.com said...

Oh, it sounds like The Bean is a young cat. Our own sweet Purzzza used to lie behind or under a piece of furniture and wait for our youngest to innocently walk by. OUT she would pounce and attack her fat little toddler legs. She would stand there and scream bloody murder while I chased that cat all over the house, caught her and spanked her. She loves her to death today, but she's 17 and can defend herself now. And Purzzza is 14 years old and not kittenish anymore.

Keeper Of All Things said...

OK .....OK....LMAO
did you just say your pussyCat
was scratchy and out of control at night?
I know........
I'm sorry...
sometimes I can't control myself.

Busy Bee Suz said...

So funny. I have been thinking about writing about my "vampire" cats too...they don't wake up until we go to sleep and then try to make me insane.
How about locking her in the garage. and get yourself a set of ear plugs...they work wonders.
poor thing...you need your sleep.
good luck!!!

littletoesandcheerios said...

Such a cute story about little Bean! I'm grouchy if I keep getting woke up like that...by an animal...or Fred...is there a difference?! Poor little Bean...I hope you get the pretty weather. It's supposed to be in the 60's here as well.

My Metabolic Rate is Stuck said...

LMAO! Gotta LOVE them though!
One thing about pets...their love is UNCONDITONAL...
(has to be...they know who feeds them) :)
Have a GREAT weekend!

Rick said...

Children have opposing thumbs and can talk too. But, at least, there no cat litter mess.

Suz Broughton said...

I have a ESS too. We just can't help but love them though, can we?

Heidi said...

Good luck with the pudy tat.... She is adorable - but the ESS syndrom is dangerous I have heard!!! LOL It can render owners desperate!!

I am Barking Mad said...

Lordy, and I thought it was just my cat! I am sympathetic, but at the same time, so very grateful I'm not the only one wanting to unleash my cat on the world...a full three months early! *lol*

Auds at Barking Mad

Geri said...

Cats are definitely different than dogs. Even though the require less care in some ways they require more. Sounds like summer can come soon enough for your ESS.